Revelation

One of the main reasons for creating this blog, was for accountability. One of my favorite authors is John Bevere. I know a couple of people who don't like him, for they think he's "dominionistic", however, I beg to differ. He's originally an engineer, so his approach to looking at things is from an analytical yet spiritual point of view. I've studied a few of his books and I've learned so much, that those who know me, know that I'm not a "dominionistic" type of a person. I recognized, a couple of years ago, that what I was looking for in my life was a much deeper relationship with the Lord....I was going to church, women's groups, and participating in church activities. All the while I was hoping that doing all these things, a tiny spark would ignite in me about following hard after Jesus. I confided in a couple of close friends and my sister, about how hungry and thirsty I was, but I felt so dry...I got a lot of encouragement and I know prayers regarding this also. But, you know, I would go to bible study and get a cold shoulder or while other people had an opportunity to expound on their thoughts, I would get cut short. So, at first instinct, I almost got offended, but then I realized that, OFFENSES are from the enemy, designed to break down the camaraderie and fellowship of all the women I was in the study with.

It wasn't the leader I was truly offended with, or so I thought, but myself for falling behind in my readings or coming into the study 5-10 min late each week. It was just before this particular study started that I kept calling out to the Lord to HELP me! I found myself perched precariously on the side of the narrow path, in danger of falling further, for I was on very shaky ground. I felt at times, that I was so far down, that I didn't think I would be able to reach for the Lord. It was during this time that the Holy Spirit, reached down, pulled me to a different ledge, which was a bit more sturdy. He told me to head to the Christian book store and He'd show me what He wanted me to read to help me get back on track....I know, I know, I shouldn't need any kind of "self-help" book from anyone, including a christian author. I think many people forget, that sometimes when we get to the point where we've veered off course, and you're dry, sometimes the best encouragement and direction can come from a book on increasing your faith, or how to deal with particular issues....So there, I was in Morning Star, standing in the middle of a section of the store in-between the self-help type books and the bibles; in the middle of a reading area. I just said a little prayer and told God; "Lord, I'm here and I'm waiting for you to guide me. You know my needs and desires for growing closer to you. Please guide me to the book you would like me to read. In Jesus' name." So, I waited and a few moments later, He gave me John Bevere's name. A couple of minutes later I had located, John Bevere's "Drawing Near". Well, I started it. Then put it down. Participated in a year long women's study; picked up the book again and re-read the first chapter, then I put it down again...September rolls around and I'm in another women's study. When that one is over in December, I decide that I need to bite the bullet and just start digging into this book...Where do I start, but back in chapter 1 again, and for the last 8 weeks I was in another study group, but this one was on praying. I didn't push hard into John's book yet. I would read a page and put it down, etc...."Lord, what's wrong with me!" I thought, why is it that every time I try and read this book, do I get side tracked. I WANT TO BE CLOSE TO YOU!!!

Well, I've been going through chapter 1 again. Except this time it's much more deeper than the other times I've attempted it. Why is that? Because God was trying to show me that, just because I know I should be trying to pursue him; there is a difference in knowing and wanting to pursue Him. My mind knew I wanted and needed to pursue Him. My heart, was a different story. My heart, was dry, and at times unloving. I was in a "just there" state of existence. God showed me through the different women at my church that this problem with my heart wasn't an issue with just me, but with many other women also. Women, who love God, but struggle with reading the word on a daily and consistent basis. Women who know they need more of God, but haven't realized that their heart needs to want God...It's more that our SOUL needs to want more of God. My "spirit-man", was wanting me to grow closer to God and my "earthly-man" was all "ya-ya-ya". The more I did this the more I knew I needed to draw near, yet I felt like I couldn't. I didn't have the strength. I was feeling pulled away. When I finally shared this revelation with my husband, he thought about it  and then he went to a retreat a couple of weeks later. After the retreat he came back not only refreshed, but said, "It's an attack. God showed me how much the congregation is under attack from the enemy right now...Listen to Him, trust that He has your best interest at heart and just allow Him to lead the way." 

Now, I said to myself, self...why couldn't you think of that? To which God replied, because you weren't listening to ME! You had to hear it from someone else. He spoke through my husband, whom I struggle to listen to...Apparently I must be able to hear my husband better than my creator, the one whom I've been calling out to....I can be dense! So...I've been going through chapter one. I've been digging through chapter one! I've read each scripture and cross-reference and different translations to make sure I don't miss anything...did I mention that I'm also using a concordance! NICE! 

So that's the big revelation, for me. I needed to get past the point of constantly saying; "I'm dry, or I'm struggling with reading the word daily." blah, blah, blah. Let's face it; if He didn't show me that I just needed to DO, and not attempt, that I would be successful in drawing closer to Him, because He has ALWAYS pursued me. (John 3:16 is proof of his love for me & you. Even Jesus said that God loves us as much as He loved him. John 17:22-24) You can attempt and put effort in, but if the heart isn't willing to surrender ALL to Him, then it's almost all for naught. I've wasted many years of energy, attempting and not putting my will aside and said "here I am Lord, I'm all yours. Mold me into the person you want me to be and I'll DO what I need to DO, because my heart is willing and you will DO the increase.

Until next time, my friends

Shalom, and God Bless us all on our journey to getting closer to Him